Don’t Call Me Baby
Last night, after making a valiant attempt to write a post called "Tunde: 600 Words of Awesome", I had an urge to write a post about pet names. As those of you who know me in real life know, I have a problem with calling anyone by their given name. After spending way too much time researching pet names and coming up with the perfect intro for a post about pet names, I realized I've already written about it.
The good news about this is that I found a really fun automatic pet name generator – my pet name would be Silly Patootie, which is pretty fitting I think. The other good news is that I didn’t have to write a post last night because I’m throwing some shit back.
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Oh maybe that’s not such good news, is it? Oh well. Let’s go.
One of the most fun parts of a new relationship for me is figuring out what I’m gonna call my new friend. I’m usually looking for two things; a pet name and a euphemism with which I refer to him when analyzing the minutiae of our relationship with mentioning him to friends. My euphemisms are usually descriptive; “the old one”, “the young one”, “waiter dude”, “bathroom grabber”, while my pet names are a little more problematic.
I tend to favour weird pet names (regular readers should connect this to my constant references to my first love as “Snickers”). I’m particularly partial to “cher” as a pet name – it’s French for dear – but have yet to encounter a man who would allow me to call him that. One of my best friends is programmed in my phone as “lovesponge” and most of my friends get a random “ers” tagged to their names somehow – I have a Manzers, and Jemmers, and a Vivers, for example. My sister will forever be known as Marshie-poo. But my absolute favourite thing to call people is “fuckface”. I don’t know where this came from or why I’m so attached to it, but once I get to liking someone, it starts to bubble out of my mouth seemingly beyond my control. As you can imagine, it does not go over so well.
In my checkered past, I’ve been known by many names – “Big Baby”, “Indian”, and “Mad Max”, to name a few. But by far the most popular pet name is, you guessed it: ”baby”. I’m not sure why Baby is such a common pet name, but I do my best to staunch the truth my reflex reaction – that it infanitilizes and therefore minimizes women. As much as I’m sure Simone de Beauvoir would agree with that theory, I suspect it has something more to do with the fact that caring about someone tends to inspire the desire to nurture, protect, and care for someone; just as you would a baby. Or maybe we all just listen to too much popular music.
At any rate, I’ve never been a big fan of being called Baby. It’s far too generic for a weirdo like me. To be honest, I don’t mind it during secksy time when I assume a man’s brain is otherwise occupied and cannot be expected to come up with an original name for me. But outside the bedroom, a man calling me Baby kind of a tiny bit irks the entire shit out of me.
But what about you guys? Do you like pet names or are you one of those weirdos who hates them? What are you preferred terms of endearment? Which ones do you hate? Speak on it in the comments.